People not familiar with Judaic customs often feel uncomfortable at a Shiva visit. Tradition tells us that the mourner should initiate conversation before the visitor speaks. This is in order for us to gauge the mood that the mourner is in – sometimes just sitting nearby silently shows the mourner that you care and that you are there for him or her. Many times the mourner will appreciate your personal stories about their loved one and what he or she meant to you. It is preferable not to discuss other topics such as sports or entertainment in order to distract the mourner from their anguish.

These Shiva days are important psychologically in order for the mourner to grieve. If you never knew the deceased, it is sometimes helpful to ask the mourner to share something about the departed.

As with visiting the sick, the importance is quality time, not quantity – do not over stay your visit. The Shiva is a tiring time and a short stay is recommended. Before leaving, it is customary to wish the mourner that G-d comfort him or her together with the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. There is a measure of solace to the mourner knowing that there are others in mourning; shared grief is easier to endure.

A Shiva call following traditional etiquette will give you, the visitor, the inner satisfaction of fulfilling the mitzvah of doing kindness to others, and the knowledge that you have helped your friend in his or her time of need.